Discover how to navigate festive stress without judgement, from managing insomnia and overthinking to handling family pressures, masking, grief and shifting expectations. A psychotherapistโs guide to staying grounded during the Christmas season โ beyond the Hollywood ideal.
(This post first appeared on my Substack: https://substack.com/home/post/p-178003444
When your own body becomes the monster under the bed
There are few things more disorientating than waking up and discovering that you canโt move. You can see your room. You can hear the sounds outside โ the central heating humming, the faint tick of the radiator, maybe the breath of someone beside you โ but you canโt move a finger. And then comes the presence. The weight. The feeling that something else is in the room.
For many people, this is sleep paralysis โ a strange, unsettling overlap between sleep and wakefulness. But if youโve experienced it, you donโt need the name to know the feeling. You already know the dread that seeps in when bedtime approaches, the hesitation before switching off the light, the anxious bargain with yourself โ please, not tonight.
In the small hours, fear takes on its own logic. You know it isnโt real, but your body disagrees. Your pulse races, your muscles refuse to respond, and your mind fills in the blanks with the oldest stories it knows โ demons, ghosts, intruders, the sense of being watched. Itโs no wonder that across cultures and centuries, sleep paralysis has inspired myths of the night hag, the incubus, and the suffocating spirits that โsit on the chestโ. Science, however, tells a quieter story.
During REM sleep โ the phase in which we dream most vividly โ our brains cleverly paralyse our muscles so that we donโt act out our dreams. Itโs a safety feature, not a flaw. Sleep paralysis occurs when that REM paralysis persists while the mind wakes up. Weโre conscious, but the body hasnโt yet received the โall clearโ signal. The dream world hasnโt quite packed up and gone home, so for a few seconds or minutes, both realities overlap. Itโs not supernatural โ itโs a timing error.
Still, knowing that doesnโt always help at 2am.
What matters is not only what happens, but how we make sense of it. For some, the experience becomes traumatising not because of the paralysis itself, but because of what it symbolises โ the feeling of being trapped, silenced, powerless. The body becomes both the victim and the jailer. Itโs easy to see how this can spiral into a deep fear of sleep itself. After all, who would willingly step back into something that feels like dying?
I am always amazed by how the human brain is the most eccentric storyteller imaginable. Give it a little darkness and a little adrenaline, and it will produce its own gothic novel. The shadows on the ceiling become characters, the pressure on the chest becomes a plot. But when you can look at it with a dash of wonder rather than horror โ โAh, so this is what my brain does when it forgets to switch the lights back onโ โ the fear starts to loosen its grip.
It might surprise you to know that this is a common experience. Around one in five people experience sleep paralysis at least once in their lives. Itโs especially likely when weโre sleep-deprived, stressed, or sleeping irregularly. Certain medications can make it more frequent, as can jet lag, alcohol, or disrupted sleep schedules. Itโs unnerving, yes โ but itโs not dangerous. Your breathing continues, your heart beats, and the paralysis always ends. Always.
If we reframe it, sleep paralysis becomes not a haunting but a hiccup โ a reminder that consciousness isnโt a light switch, but a dimmer. It fades in and out. Sometimes the settings overlap.
So what helps?
Regular sleep patterns, for one. Going to bed and waking up at consistent times helps the brain regulate its transitions. Avoiding caffeine and alcohol late in the day reduces fragmentation. Sleeping on your side instead of your back often prevents it. And if you do wake paralysed, focus on moving a small part โ a finger, a toe โ rather than the whole body. That tiny movement usually breaks the spell.
And psychologically? Remind yourself that fear feeds on isolation. Tell someone about it. Talk to your GP if itโs happening often. Bring it into the daylight. The monsters of the night rarely survive conversation.
If you fear going to sleep because of it, the goal isnโt to conquer the fear but to make friends with the unknown. You can even prepare for it gently: โIf it happens, Iโll notice it. Iโll breathe slowly. Iโll wait.โ That act of naming โ of welcoming instead of resisting โ rewires the panic. Sleep paralysis canโt harm you, but the fear of it can.
Perhaps the most reassuring thought is this: the same brain that traps you is also the one that frees you. The moment you understand it, youโve already taken away its power.
And maybe, thereโs something oddly beautiful about that โ that our brains are such eccentric, overzealous storytellers that even their mistakes come with special effects. The trick isnโt to silence them, but to listen with curiosity and kindness.
Because sometimes the scariest part of the night is simply your mind forgetting, for a few moments, that youโre safe. And remembering that is how you find your way back.
If this resonates, pass it on to someone who dreads the dark. Understanding turns the unknown into something almost tender โ and thatโs often the first step towards sleeping peacefully again.
The Intricacies of Adolescent Sleep Patterns
As children transition into adolescence, their sleep patterns undergo profound shifts. This evolution isnโt merely a consequence of academic stress or hormonal surges associated with puberty. A more foundational physiological mechanism is at work.
The Adolescent Sleep Conundrum
On any given morning, a ubiquitous scene unfolds: adolescents, resembling somnambulists, awaiting their dawn school commute. The prevailing assumption among many adults? โItโs the cumulative hours on digital devices!โ Yet, such a hypothesis might be an oversimplification, its their biology that is keeping them awake and they need/want something to do!
First a bit of backgroundโฆ
The Circadian Rhythm: A Symphony of Biological Timings
Central to our sleep architecture is the circadian rhythm โ an innate biological metronome synchronising myriad bodily functions. Within the context of sleep, two pivotal mechanisms come to the fore:
Sleep Pressure: As diurnal hours progress and wakefulness persist, adenosine, a neurotransmitter, accrues within our neural pathways, cultivating a state of drowsiness โ colloquially referred to as โsleep pressureโ.
Sleep Windows: Throughout nocturnal hours, our circadian rhythm delineates โsleep windowsโ: periods during which sleep is physiologically optimal. While the intricacies of these windows warrant their dedicated exposition, weโll earmark that for subsequent discussions.
Chronotypes: The Taxonomy of Sleep Profiles
In broad strokes, individual sleep-wake patterns can be stratified into โchronotypesโ:
Morning Larks: Constituting approximately 10-15% of the populace, this cohort embodies the proverbial โearly birds,โ both in terms of retiring and rising.
Intermediates: Encompassing a sizable 70-80%, this demographicโs sleep-wake cadence is largely congruent with societal expectations.
Night Owls: Comprising an analogous 10-15%, these individuals exhibit peak physiological and cognitive vigour during the latter evening hours, favouring predawn for repose.
At the nexus of teenage sleep patterns is their unique circadian rhythmโa distinct internal biological metronome thatโs undergoing transition just as the rest of their bodies and minds are. Unlike younger children or mature adults, the adolescent circadian rhythm exhibits certain peculiarities that influence their sleep behaviour.
Sleep Pressure in Teens: Throughout an adolescentโs day, as hours elapse and wakefulness dominates, sleep pressure levels accumulate within their neural structures at varying rates compared to other age groups. And here lies the issue: for many teenagers, this sensation intensifies later in the evening, as opposed to early evenings seen in younger children. They simply arenโt sleepy!
Teen Sleep Windows: Adolescence is also characterised by a shift in circadian-delineated โsleep windowsโ. For many teens, this means an optimal, physiological sleep period that starts and ends later than what traditional schedules may permit. While these sleep windows are a subject of extensive research and fascination, their implications are clear: societal norms, especially early school start times, often misalign with the biologically optimal sleep schedules of teenagers.
Its a biological disaster that meets a societal structure resulting in extreme sleep deprivation
Visualise an adolescent predisposed to remain alert until 2 a.m., yet physiologically necessitating 9-11 hours of recuperative sleep. Introduce into this equation a 7 a.m. academic commencement. The aftermath? A chronically sleep-deprived teenager, experiencing the equivalent of a 3 a.m. daily arousal.
A Plea for Empathy and Insight
When next confronted with an adolescent seemingly wrestling against the weight of their eyelids, exercise restraint in your judgment. Their lethargy is less about nocturnal digital engagements or a lack of self-regulation and more about a physiological metamorphosis clashing with societal timetables. Empathetic comprehension, coupled with adjusted anticipations, could be instrumental in aiding them through this labyrinthine developmental phase.
Cortisol, often labeled the โstress hormone,โ is produced by the adrenal glands through the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis when we encounter stress. Its widespread presence, thanks to cortisol receptors in many body cells, makes it an influential chemical messenger, modulating a multitude of functions based on our environment and internal states.
Its both our friend and foe and plays several pivotal roles in our physiology. For instance, by promoting the release of glucose from the liver, it ensures stable blood sugar levels, supporting the increased heart rate and blood pressure typical of stress responses.
When the stress response is triggered โ our body switches to the fight/flight/freeze/fawn mode, the energy demand escalates, necessitating enhanced respiration and muscle readiness to prepare our body to rapidly respond. Cortisol elevates our sensory awareness, making us more alert. At the same time, it wisely economises energy by temporarily pausing systems like digestion and reproduction, which arenโt immediately vital. Its importance in preserving our overall health and well-being cannot be overstated.
Cortisolโs diurnal rhythm is a telling reflection of our well-being. While its levels naturally ebb at midnight and surge in the early morning, assisting our wakefulness, disruptions to this rhythm can provide clues about underlying stressors or mental health issues.
Cortisol and Sleep
Ideally, our cortisol dips during sleep and spikes upon waking. However, persistent aka chronic stress, indicative of an overactive HPA axis, can play havoc with this balance, leading to sleep disturbances like insomnia or fragmented sleep. Such disruptions can trap individuals in a harmful loop: poor sleep heightens stress, which in turn agitates the HPA axis, further misaligning cortisol production.
From a psychotherapeutic perspective, sleep disturbances and cortisol imbalances can be both a symptom and a cause. For instance, chronic insomnia might be a manifestation of underlying anxiety or trauma, which then exacerbates stress, leading to erratic cortisol levels. Furthermore, disorders like obstructive sleep apnea not only interrupt restorative sleep but can cause fluctuations in cortisol, adding another layer of strain to the HPA axis, further heightening stress and anxiety.
Recognising these intertwined relationships, in therapy we donโt only address the sleep disruptions and physiological implications but also delve into underlying emotional or psychological stressors. There is often a good reason for the stress response to be on high so understanding more about this, gives us the opportunity to start to reduce in. In the work we are always aiming to create a feedback loop of healing, where resolving one issue aids the natural resolution of others.
Do you ever feel a crawling sensation in your lower limbs at night and the irresistible urge to move your legs? If so, youโre not alone. Many people routinely suffer from Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS), a neurological disorder that sometimes lasts for several hours and can disrupt your sleep.
Why does it happen?
RLS seems to occur during periods of inactivity, usually in the evening when people are resting or falling asleep. For some people, nerve damage can trigger sleep apnea or sleep deprivation, but there is no universal consensus on causality. Interestingly, although it was once thought RLS may occur due to muscle abnormalities or a disturbance in the part of the brain that controls movement, new research seems to suggest low iron levels may cause it in the brain, for which, unfortunately, there are no tests. This is very different from iron levels in the blood; subsequently, many people with RLS symptoms can have a blood test for iron- deficiency only for it to come back normal.
Who gets it?
RLS has a 60% chance of being inherited, and it can appear at any age, although women are twice as likely to get it than men. In children, is it sometimes mistaken for โgrowing painsโ. Thereโs no apparent trigger for onset in most cases, and some may get it occasionally, whereas others suffer from it daily.
Thereโs also a recognised link between RLS and pregnancy, possibly brought on by low iron and folate levels. Around 20% of women experience RLS during pregnancy, although it often stops once the baby arrives.
How to manage it
Despite the high number of people suffering from RLS and the significant impact upon their lives, research into effective treatments is still ongoing, and the exact cause remains unknown. The pathophysiology is known partially, and it is believed that there is an association between the different variants of genetic mutations combined with dopaminergic and brain iron dysregulation, which plays an important role.
Fortunately, however, there are things you can try to help reduce your symptoms, but discovering what works for you may be a matter of trial and error as everyone will respond differently.
Medication
Only around 20% of sufferers will require medication (such as anti-seizure drugs), but it is essential to seek the advice of your GP if your symptoms are impacting your day to day life.
Compression socks
These may help by applying pressure to the leg and increasing blood flow into the extremities at night.
Evening stroll
When symptoms tend to be at their worst in the evening, a gentle walk around the block can help, and some people say that using an exercise bike is useful.
Pillow support
Try sleeping with a pillow between your legs; this may prevent compression of the nerves in your legs.
Supplements
Supplements including iron, magnesium, vitamin D and folic acid can also help but check with your GP first before taking these.
Reduce caffeine intake
For many people with RLS, caffeine is a trigger, but recent research has shown that caffeine can also help, so you need to identify whether or not you are sensitive to caffeine. If you are, you probably already know, but if you drink a lot of caffeine, you may have become immune to it, so reduce your consumption (donโt just stop as you might experience withdrawal) to see how it impacts your symptoms.
Most of us never think about getting into bed and going to sleep; itโs just what we do. But for many people, the closer it is to bedtime, the more their anxiety rises, and for some, this develops into a full-blown fear that takes over their lives. Fear of sleep, also known as somniphobia (sleep phobia), can be debilitating and life-changing.
Sleep is an essential biological process. At a basic level, your body knows how to do it, but for a mixture of reasons, something changes, the experience of poor sleep is distressing, and the fear that it will happen again stops you from falling asleep. Very quickly, it escalates into a serious issue.
Descriptions of fear of sleep range from an โinternal metronome of fear that speeds up as it gets darkโ or an โincrease in anxiety when finishing dinner as the evening draws to a closeโ. At its worst, the panic rises as soon as the sufferer wakes in the morning, and the fear becomes an overriding noise crowding out everything else in life. Panic attacks are not uncommon, and sufferers describe the extreme lengths they will go to solve the problem. One of the worst aspects of fear of sleep is that it is a self-perpetuating cycle: the fear stops you from sleeping, but the lack of sleep makes you fearful. It is a horrible condition with which to be living.
What causes the fear?
Like many night-time disorders, somniphobia has many potential causes, and there may be more than one.
Stress and anxiety
Anxiety is a feeling of unease, such as worry or fear, that can be mild or severe. Everyone has feelings of anxiety at some point in their life, and it can manifest itself in various ways. It is normal to experience anxiety, worry and fear from time to time; sometimes, the underlying biological mechanism of anxiety is useful to help us manage a challenging situation. This reaction is known as โfight or flightโ or the stress response.
Your brain responds to a threat or danger by releasing stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol, which places the nervous system into a state of hyperarousal. Even if the threat is not real, these hormones still cause the physical symptoms of anxiety. Once the threatening situation has stopped, your body will usually return to normal. If you have an anxiety disorder, these feelings of fear and danger can be ongoing and interrupt your daily routine long after the threat has gone. They can make you feel as though things are worse than they are.
For some people, their anxiety manifests in fears about their health; for others, anxiety about appearance, but there are those for whom anxiety is expressed via their relationship to sleep.
Other reasons might be ongoing experiences of frightening and vivid nightmares that seem as real as if you were experiencing them while awake.
Sleep disorders (such as narcolepsy or sleep apnea) that disrupt sleep reduce sleep quality and trigger a fear of sleep.
Previous trauma
Often we donโt know why the fear has emerged; this can be highly distressing but is not unusual. Fear is often formed without our conscious knowledge, and a single moment in time, even if long forgotten, can leave us with a lifelong unease. The same is true of your sleep; if you have different associations, no matter how insignificant or significant they may seem to you, this could be the root cause of your problem.
Can you learn to sleep without fear?
Yes, but seek professional help. This is where therapy, medication and cognitive behavioural therapy for insomnia come together in a powerful combination.
There are three fundamental rules to a good nightโs sleep:
1. A comfortable sleep environment with the opportunity to get the sleep that you need.
2. Appropriate light levels: as a rule, bright light in the morning resets your circadian clock and low light in the evening increases your sleep pressure, making you feel sleepy.
3. A relaxed mind, relaxed body. At one level, this seems simple but for many people, knowing how to or being able to relax is a challenge.
Finally, you are not alone. If you have developed a fear of sleep, it is vital to reach out for help.
For me, the concept of โsleep hygieneโ is a misnomer and somehow doesnโt fit with the idea of a good nightโs sleep; it sounds too specific, too clinical.
Sleep is such a sensory experience, and different people prefer different environments.
There are no hard and fast rules about what makes a room conducive to sleep other than that the room should be dark, cool, comfy and quiet.
Clinically the definition of sleep hygiene is โa set of general recommendations about lifestyle (e.g. diet, exercise, substance use) and environmental factors (e.g. light noise, temperature) that may promote or interfere with sleepโ. Sleep hygiene may include some education about what constitutes โnormalโ sleep and changes in sleep patterns that occur with ageing.
In other words, make your room into a room that you love so that it is enticing and relaxing. Think about the timing of food intake, exercise intensity and any other substance you might consume, such as caffeine, alcohol etc. A relaxed mind and a relaxed body in a room conducive to sleep = a great nightโs sleep.
Smell is a prehistoric sense and an essential one for humans and animals as we all navigate our world. It lets us know whether our food is safe to eat and alerts us to the smell of fire. We encounter innumerable scents in our daily life, and our sense of smell plays a vital role in the physiological effects of mood, stress, and working capacity. It also affects our sex lives: the area of the brain through which we experience smells is the olfactory lobe, part of the limbic system, the emotional brain, the area in which sexual thoughts and desires are processed. Throughout the pandemic, there has been a rapid rise in those reporting losses of smell. An article in Nature* reported that of 8,438 people with COVID-19 surveyed, 41% had reported experiencing loss of their sense of smell, with 8% experiencing a total loss (otherwise known as anosmia).
Each of us has many visual and emotional associations to certain smells and aromas. Certain fragrances evoke the memories of significant moments in time. Supermarkets channel the scent of the bakery throughout the store to trigger hunger, while certain food aromas can transport you back to a moment on holiday. Each of us will have our personal favourites, those scents which trigger memories and conjure images in our minds.
Due to the vital importance of smell, all sorts of folkloric tales speak of the remarkable medicinal properties of everyday herbs and flowers. As sleep is a sensory process, it follows that our sense of smell can have broad-ranging effects. The efficacy of using certain essential oils to improve sleep and well-being continues to be researched, and the beneficial effects of a few specific scents have already been validated by clinical research.
Lavender has a long history of medicinal use and has been proven to provide a sedative and calming effect. In a small hospital study in which lavender was used as aromatherapy, patients were shown to experience reduced daytime drowsiness and enjoyed more consistent sleep at night. Itโs not just lavender; in another study, a mixture of essential oils including lavender, basil, juniper and sweet marjoram was shown to reduce sleep disturbance and improve a sense of overall well-being in older patients.
If you are not a fan of lavender but want to enjoy the same effects, try using bergamot or ylang-ylang. All three scents were shown to improve the quality of sleep for patients recovering from heart problems.
While research is needed into a wide range of other fragrances to determine their effectiveness in treating clinical conditions, aromatics have been used for mental, spiritual and physical healing since the beginning of recorded history. If a good nightโs sleep is all about relaxation, soothing the senses with an aroma that evokes happiness and relaxation can only be good. Which particular scent you use is a personal choice.
References
Koulivand, P. H., Khaleghi Ghadiri, M., & Gorji, A., 2013. Lavender and the nervous system, Evidence-based complementary and alternative medicine, 2013, pp.1-10.
Available at: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3612440/#:~:text=A%20mixture%20of%20essential%20oils,in%20older%20patients%20%5B78%5D [Accessed 11 March 2021]
McDonnell, B. and Newcomb, P., 2019. Trial of Essential Oils to Improve Sleep for Patients in Cardiac Rehabilitation. The Journal of Alternative and Complementary Medicine, 25(12), pp.1193-1199. Available at: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31556690/ [Accessed 11 March 2021]
Chang, S. and Chen, C., 2015. Effects of an intervention with drinking chamomile tea on sleep quality and depression in sleep disturbed postnatal women: a randomised controlled trial. Journal of Advanced Nursing, 72(2), pp.306-315. Available at: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26483209/ [Accessed 11 March 2021].
Marshall, M., 2021. COVIDโs toll on smell and taste: what scientists do and donโt know. Nature, [online] Available at: https://www.nature.com/articles/d41586-021-00055-6#:~:text=How%20many%20people%20with%20COVID,had%20reported%20experiencing%20smell%20loss [Accessed 11 March 2021].
For those of us old enough to remember playing our favourite record over and over again until the track became a deep groove where the needle repeatedly stuck, the imagery is clear.
Returning to that record, itโs a catchy tune that seems to hang around. Thoughts are like that โ both positive and negative. We can get caught in a cycle of rumination, repeatedly playing the thought over and over and over again. Who notices that they do that and what sort of memories come up? It is proven that the negative will outweigh the positive.
Neuropsychologist Rick Hanson (www.rickhanson.net) refers to this as โthe brainโs negativity bias.โ The human nervous system, he writes, โscans for, reacts to, stores, and recalls negative information about oneself and oneโs world. The brain is like velcro for negative experiences and teflon for positive ones. The natural result is a growing โ and unfair โ the residue of emotional pain, pessimism, and numbing inhibition in implicit memory.โ
Our primitive brain, see here: http://www.brainwaves.com/brain_basics.html, thinks this is a good idea. The term โreptilianโ refers to our primitive, instinctive brain function shared by all reptiles and mammals, including humans. It is the most powerful and oldest of our coping brain functions since we would not be alive without it. It makes sure that we remember danger, so we donโt do it again was helpful when we were pre-modern humans, not quite so beneficial now that tigers are not lurking behind parked cars.
So returning to the record. We can repeatedly replay a memory or a thought until it becomes an indented groove in our brainโs neural pathways. Knowing this, it is logical that getting the needle out of the groove requires physical action. Keep playing the record, or stop playing the record? Change the groove.
This is where it gets exciting. We used to believe that the brain was a fixed entity but the discovery that active repetition changes the brain means that our thought patterns can and do change. Neuroplasticity, also known as neural plasticity, or brain plasticity, is the ability of neural networks in the brain to change through growth and reorganisation. These changes range from individual neuron pathways making new connections, to systematic adjustments like cortical remapping.
The key to overriding that negativity bias is to notice when a familiar thought arises and think about the following: Does it feel good? What is happening now? Does this thought matter? I am sure we all recognise these thoughts. They are often the ones that wake us up at 3 am and feel huge in the darkness. It might be the thought that replays as you walk into a room full of strangers โ most of us will experience several thoughts at that moment; are they good or bad? When you look back on a typical day or survey your life, what experiences capture your attention โ your successes and pleasant times, or the failures, hurts and disappointments?
Noticing that these thoughts are happening is so important. Think about it. If you think something is it real? (See the Matrix film series for what is real or not :-)) When you last had this thought or feeling, did the ceiling cave in? See if you can look at it differently. A new tune is a perfect distraction; find a tune to oppose the thought โ upbeat songs work all-round. Do a little dance? An actual dance if you feel relaxed with that โ on the tube, I wish you luck but do a dance in your head, visualise a character dancing and make it your internal friendly dancer. (If you remember records, you are likely to remember the dancing baby in Ally McBeal https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rx88NMh-YRs )
Overall have some compassion for yourself. Our thoughts come and go. Holding onto any of them, good or bad, are transient moments. Ruminating on them deepens their effect. When our son was little we had a before bed practice called โthree good things in our house.โ Together we find three good things to talk about from each of our days regardless of how bad we think our day has been. There will ALWAYS be something somewhere.
Finally, rumination is a large part of depression. If you are experiencing ongoing negative thoughts that you cannot seem to shift, if you can, seek support through friends, family or a therapist when times become challenging.
Footnote
For an experts approach, I mentioned Rick Hanson. A favourite resource of mine is excellent TED talks, a great website, and great books. He offers excellent advice on how we might hardwire happiness. http://www.rickhanson.net/hardwiring-happiness/faq/
References
Law, B., 2021. Probing the depression-rumination cycle. [online] https://www.apa.org. Available at: https://www.apa.org/monitor/nov05/cycle [Accessed 11 March 2021].
